My Drift
The Nest is Empty—Now Where's My Wine
So your last baby bird has left for college, leaving your nest empty and eerily silent. If you’re feeling blue about it, you’re not alone. Sending your offspring out of your home and into the world is one of life’s greater challenges, and a fair number of emotions are involved. Excitement for your child, apprehension about his or her happiness and success, both academic and social, and worries about your own sense of lost purpose are all to be expected. Life in your home will never be the same once your kids have flown the coop. Even though there will be visits, the rhythm of your family is permanently changed. Of course you welcome this step towards your child’s future success; nobody hopes their child fails to launch. Nevertheless, the melancholy you feel is real and inescapable.
Experts say that parents can experience loneliness, sadness, grief and even depression when their children leave home. If these feelings become overwhelming, they say, therapy is a good option. They offer little tips like staying in touch with your child, reminding yourself that parenting is just one phase of adulthood, and taking care of yourself by eating right and getting plenty of exercise.
Seriously? They pull out the diet-and-exercise card for empty nest syndrome? I don’t know about you, but I tend to think recommending a sensible diet and regular exercise is a copout. Maybe that’s because I’m not a fan of either.
Anyway, I’m certainly not an expert, but I did raise and launch an only child. Having had, in keeping with the avian metaphors, all my eggs in one basket, I experienced an empty nest fairly abruptly. Some of those experts say I experienced it more profoundly. Whether or not that’s true, I do feel qualified to offer a few suggestions to those of you who are new to it, and I guarantee they’ll help you out more than healthy eating and daily exercise.
As with so many things in life, it makes a difference if you can find a way to look at the bright side. Focusing on the positive of nobody under forty living in your space will perk up your attitude. Raising children is all encompassing and an undeniably selfless endeavor. Embrace the opportunity to worry only about your own needs, and maybe your spouse’s, for food, shelter and comfort.
I recommend starting with your laundry hamper. Open it. Look inside. You notice that, like your nest, it is empty. It is eerily silent. Recognize this for the good thing it is. Give a joyful shout and go read a book instead of sorting smelly socks.
Walk by the offspring-in-question’s bedroom. It’s probably pretty tidy. The bed is no doubt made and the sheets don’t need to be changed. The waste basket isn’t even full. Oh, happy day.
Now head to the kitchen. Think about what’s for dinner. Remind yourself that a balanced, healthy meal, while a good idea for your growing child, is not a necessity for yourself and your spouse. A glass of wine and some cheese and crackers will do nicely. Cancel the trip to the grocery store and sit down with a crossword puzzle. Feel content.
Listen closely. Do you hear a siren in the distance? Remind yourself that it can’t possibly be your teenager, because your teenager is miles away. Stop worrying. Relax. Take a nap.
There are definite positives to having an empty nest. You just have to look for them.
That “out of sight, out of mind” thing is real. Admit it—when you hear a siren and your child is out, you always assume that he or she has been in an accident. It’s what parents do. When your child is late coming home, you naturally jump to the conclusion that something terrible has happened.
Obviously, something could happen to your child on a college campus. But because you don’t know they’re late, and you can’t hear sirens 200 miles away, you simply don’t think about it. Which is really a blessing, because worrying accomplishes nothing anyway. It can be very freeing not knowing what your kid is up to.
It was a different world in 1998 when we packed our son off to A&M. Unlimited talk and text were yet to be the norm and land lines still offered long distance you had to pay for. Emailing was in its infancy and the Internet was dial up. We really didn’t know what he was up to most of the time.
One day when I came home for a quick lunch, I dialed up the Internet and heard the AOL Instant Message chimes for the very first time. Simultaneously, a text box popped up with the words, “Hi, Mom!” Between classes, he had stopped by the library to use their computer.
I went home for lunch and dialed up AOL every day for the rest of that semester, and the sound of those IM chimes could make my heart sing to this day.
So I talk really big. Empty nesting was a genuine struggle for me, and my heart goes out to all of you who are experiencing it for the first time. Those experts I mentioned earlier? They do suggest getting back in touch with the person you were before you became a parent. Or becoming someone new, unimpeded by the constant demands of parenting. Rekindle your relationship with your spouse; it has undoubtedly changed during the parenting years. Now is your chance to get it back or make it new. Opportunities are abundant.
Focus on that empty laundry hamper, the people far away who are preparing three meals a day for your offspring, and the ability to sleep right through curfew. Enjoy it. And get ready for the next phase. Because in-laws are not far off. And grandchildren come next!
